There’s reasons why nice guys finish last with the ladies, how to get over your nice guy syndrome.

You don’t want to end up finishing last as nice guys so often do, here’s why and how you can avoid it happening to you.

We’ve all heard the phrase “nice guys finish last”, but what does it really mean? What is a nice guy and why are they looked down on by women?  

Is being nice a bad thing when it comes to dating and relationships?  

Well, it depends on what kind of nice we’re talking about.  

I was the typical nice guy for years when I was young.

I would befriend a girl I was interested in, hoping to slide my way into her good graces or interests.

And I got myself friend-zoned for good reason every time.

So as a former nice guy myself, here are 11 reasons why women stay, or maybe should stay, away from nice guys. 

1. Nice guys often have ulterior motives  

Nice guys are the ones who always seem to be there for you while really hiding their true intentions.  

We’ve all known the types that sit on the sidelines being a constant yes man for a girl only to complain behind her back about being friend zoned.  

They may act like your friends, but secretly hope that you will fall for them or sleep with them. And that’s why they’re nice. 

They may do favors for you but will always expect something in return even if it means waiting.  

They may compliment you, but only to boost their own ego or manipulate you into liking them. 

This is because the nice guy isn’t being nice to you out of the kindness of his heart.

It’s because he wants you and wants to be with you.

For nice guys, the game of being nice is really a charade to get the girl. 

Instead of being open and honest with their feelings and intentions, they covertly try to edge their way into a woman’s heart a little at a time. 

Research has shown a link between “niceness” or stereotypical nice guy behaviors and a woman’s preference for a long-term partner over looks and the nice guys hope on this.

2. Nice guys tend to be judgmental  

Nice guys are often afraid of what other people will think of them if they try to be themselves or express their opinions.  

They tend to conform to social norms and expectations, and they expect you to do the same.  

This is because at the core of the nice guy syndrome is a total lack of confidence in themselves. 

They look at how other people view them as more important than actually getting what they want or need. 

Because of this social fear, they may criticize your choices, your appearance, your hobbies, or your friends if they don’t fit their standards of what the world expects.  

They may also judge other men who are more confident, assertive, or successful than them, and label them as jerks or players. 

The nice guy is never afraid of stepping up to let a woman know how horrible the other men in her life, especially a boyfriend or husband, really is. 

It’s a way to subvert and harm the woman’s current relationship in hopes of picking up the pieces. 

Related: 11 reasons why women love masculine men

3. Nice guys tend to be passive-aggressive.  

Nice guys don’t like confrontation or conflict, so they avoid expressing their feelings or needs directly.  

Instead, they resort to subtle hints, sarcasm, guilt-trips, or silent treatment to get their point across.  

Which is really just a nice guy being passive aggressive.

In other words, they act like children with other adults. 

They will also hold grudges and resentment towards you or others who have wronged them or rejected them.  

And that rejection can be in the form of not being attracted to them back. 

They may act like everything is fine, but then explode or withdraw when they can’t take it anymore. 

Or worse, they take the route of gas-lighting, in which a nice guy will try to make a woman believe whatever problem he is having is her fault. 

It’s all manipulation and is meant to deceive a woman into a relationship she doesn’t truly want to be in. 

Related: 15 ways a man can boost his confidence

4. They’re seen as lacking confidence and self-esteem  

Nice guys often have low self-worth and insecurity issues that make them doubt themselves and their abilities.  

That was at the heart of me being a nice guy when I was young too.

I lacked the confidence to actually tell or show a woman how I felt.

This is at the very heart of the nice guy syndrome. 

They believe that by behaving overly good to a woman they can win over her affection. 

They may also compare themselves to others and feel inferior or inadequate which leads them to seek validation from women. 

They usually have a fear of failure and rejection that prevents them from taking any kind of risk or pursuing their goals. 

And this is why nice guys come across as needy and clingy to women.

5. Nice guys are boring and predictable to women

Nice guys don’t have much personality or charisma that makes them stand out or attract attention, which is why they play the nice guy routine. 

They tend to follow social rules and play it safe, rather than being spontaneous and adventurous.  

They don’t have many hobbies or interests that make them passionate or excited and instead fill that void with the validation of others.  

Instead of building up a style or flair that makes them unique or attractive, they take the approach of trying to be whatever they feel the woman they want at the time needs. 

Science refers to the boredom of the nice guy as the scary bridge effect, as in, would you be more thrilled by crossing a small road bridge or a giant suspension bridge over a canyon?

Related: 13 stoic questions that will change your life

6. Nice guys seem needy and clingy  

Nice guys often have attachment issues that make them dependent on others for their happiness and well-being.  

They may crave attention and affection from you, and then get upset or jealous if you don’t give it to them, even if you’re not in a relationship. 

In a relationship they will try to control you or limit your freedom by checking up on you constantly, asking where you are, who you’re with, and what you’re doing.  

It’s really a way for them to tend to their own insecurities over their woman finding someone else or leaving them. 

They may also demand commitment from you too soon or too often in an attempt to take control of the relationship and of the woman’s discernment.  

Related: 15 most attractive hobbies a man can have

7. Nice guys are dishonest and insincere  

Nice guys don’t always tell the truth or show their real feelings.  

In fact, when it comes to women, nice guys will almost never share how they truly feel because that gives away control to the woman in their eyes. 

By letting a woman know they are interested romantically she can reject him, but if they’re just friends, he can slowly make his way into her heart. 

They may lie about their intentions, their past, their preferences, or their opinions to keep their woman happy or just to avoid conflict.  

A nice guy will also pretend to be interested in, or like the same kinds of things a woman does in order to get closer to her. 

If they find out you really like a band, they will too. Even if they can’t name a single song. 

They may also hide their flaws or mistakes from you, rather than being honest and accountable but in the end it all boils down to dishonesty and control. 

Related: 15 stoic traits women love in men

8. Nice guys are manipulative and selfish 

Nice guys don’t always have your best interest at heart.  

They have their own personal interest at the heart of everything they do. 

A nice guy uses their niceness to get what they want from you or others.  

They may use guilt, pity, sympathy, compliments, gifts, or favors, to influence your decisions or behavior in a relationship. 

All of this stems from their own self-service. They don’t really care about the women they are so interested in.  

They care about themselves and getting what they want from the woman they are interested in. 

In fact research has linked the nice guy behavior set to a lack of social intelligence and prowess.

Related: 15 feminine qualities that make a woman wife material

9. Nice guys are too agreeable and accommodating 

Nice guys don’t have a strong sense of self or boundaries.  

They may try to please you and others by agreeing with everything you say or do, even if they don’t really share your views or values.  

You would think people would like when others are agreeable with them but in reality a 2010 study in the Journal of Personality and Psychology showed people get turned off when someone is too nice and agreeable with them..  

By hiding their own opinions for a woman’s favor, they are building a false sense of who they are in the woman’s eyes. 

They may also compromise their own needs and preferences to avoid upsetting their woman or causing trouble.  

They may not stand up for themselves or voice their opinions when they disagree, which builds into resentment that will absolutely affect how they look at the relationship. 

Related: 13 ways to get your man to start communicating

10. They’re emotionally immature and unavailable  

Nice guys often have difficulty dealing with their own emotions or understanding yours.  

They may avoid expressing or acknowledging their feelings, especially negative ones, and bottle them up inside. 

This is also why nice guys get friend zoned and later complain about it.

By not being outright with his feelings the nice guy is acting deceitful and at the very least, missing his opportunity to build some real attraction.

They can also lack empathy or compassion for your feelings and invalidate them when you try to share how you’re feeling.  

They may not be able to handle your emotions or support you when you need them.  

Related: 11 masculine traits that women love in men

11. They come across as not really nice at all 

Nice guys come across like they are acting a part on the surface, when underneath they can be bitter, angry, resentful, or even emotionally abusive.  

And they often feel betrayed or hurt when a woman doesn’t give her energy to them.  

They may also try to guilt a woman into staying with them or doing what they want by playing the victim and gaslighting. 

And all this often comes from deep seeded issues of their own which they need to work on and grow as people before they can be ready for a healthy and happy relationship.  

Related: 15 traits of a confident man that women love

5 tips to avoid a nice guy so you can find a good man  

1. Know your worth and standards 

Don’t settle for less than you deserve or want in a partner. Don’t let anyone treat you poorly or disrespectfully.  

Don’t let anyone take advantage of you or manipulate you. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty or bad for having your own needs and preferences.   

2. Trust your intuition and feelings  

If something feels off or wrong about a guy, listen to your gut and don’t ignore it.  

If you feel bored, annoyed, frustrated, confused, or unhappy with a guy, don’t waste your time and energy on him.  

If you feel attracted, interested, curious, excited, or happy with a guy, give him a chance and see where it goes.  

3. Look for signs of genuine kindness and goodness  

A good man is not just nice on the surface, but also on the inside. He is kind, respectful, and caring towards you and others. Does he interact genuinely with others?

He is honest, sincere, and authentic with you and himself.  

He is confident, assertive, and independent without being arrogant, aggressive, or needy. He is fun, interesting, and passionate without being boring, predictable, or dull.  

4. He is emotionally mature and available without being emotionally immature or unavailable  

Be yourself and let him be himself. Don’t try to change yourself or him to fit each other’s expectations or desires.

Don’t pretend to like things that you don’t, don’t simply agree with things that you don’t agree with, or do things that you don’t want to do just to make him happy.  

Don’t hide your flaws or mistakes from him or expect him to hide his from you. A nice guy will try to hide their flaws.

5. Be honest and open with each other and accept each other as you are 

Connect with each other by communicating how you’re feeling often. Don’t play games or send mixed signals with each other.  

Don’t assume that he knows what you want or need without telling him because he can’t read your mind or guess what you’re thinking or feeling.  

Talk to each other and listen to each other. Share your thoughts and opinions with each other. Express your feelings and emotions with each other.  

Support and empathize with each other.  

By following these tips, you can avoid falling for nice guys who aren’t good for you, and a good man and Mr. Right.  

A good man will make you feel loved, and respected.