More respectful and effective communication is the foundation of a better marriage.

Communication is one of the most vital aspects of a healthy and happy marriage.

It allows you to share your thoughts, feelings, needs, and expectations with your spouse, and to listen to theirs.

Communication helps you to understand each other better, to resolve conflicts, to express appreciation, and to build intimacy.

However, in a marriage, communication is not always easy or natural. Many couples struggle with communication problems that can lead to misunderstanding, resentment, frustration, and distance.

So, how can you communicate effectively and respectfully with your spouse?

Here are some tips and strategies that can help you improve your communication skills and enhance your relationship.

1. Choose the right time and place.

One of the first steps to effective communication is choosing the right time and place to have a conversation with your spouse.

Try to avoid talking about important or sensitive issues when you or your spouse are tired, hungry, stressed, distracted, or in a hurry.

You also want to avoid talking about these issues in front of other people, such as your children, friends, or relatives as it can easily turn into a blame game and build resentment.

Instead, you want to find a time and place where you can both be calm, focused, and comfortable.

In fact, according to Purdue University research, the timing of your marriage talks can make or break the entire thing.

You can also ask your spouse if they are ready to talk or schedule a time in advance. This way, you can both prepare yourselves mentally and emotionally for the conversation.

One thing my wife and I have done that’s really opened our communication is to have a monthly talk where we can let anything out without judgement or argument.

A time like this helps to build trust and respect because it allows us to think of what we want to discuss with them while giving each other a safe space where it can be discussed honestly.

2. Listen actively and empathetically.

Another key step to effective communication is listening actively and empathetically to your spouse.

This means paying attention to what they are saying and showing interest and understanding and it can even help boost your sexual compatibility.

Active listening first caught on in the psych community in the 90’s and has grown into an entire communication strategy that really helps show our engagement with our partner.

Essentially active listening is engaging your partner by restating or reiterating things they’ve said so that they can see you understand where they are coming from.

It’s a way to keep our attention on our partner instead of wandering through our own wants in the conversation and research has shown that our attention in a conversation can drastically change how we take in the information from our partner.

You can do this by:

• Making eye contact and nodding your head.
• Using verbal cues such as “uh-huh”, “I see”, or “go on”.
• Asking open-ended questions such as “How do you feel about that?” or “What do you think we should do?”
• Paraphrasing what they said in your own words, such as “So what you’re saying is…” or “Let me see if I got this right…”
• Reflecting their feelings, such as “You sound angry” or “You seem hurt”.
• Validating their perspective, such as “I can see why you would feel that way” or “That makes sense”.
• Avoiding interrupting, judging, criticizing, or giving advice.

Listening actively and empathetically can help your spouse feel heard, respected, and valued. It can also help you understand their point of view better and avoid miscommunication or assumptions.

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3. Speak clearly and respectfully.

The third step to better communication in a marriage is speaking clearly and respectfully to your spouse.

This means expressing your thoughts, feelings, needs, and expectations in a way that is honest, direct, and polite.

Your spouse isn’t a mind-reader and can’t know what you’re wanting or thinking unless you tell them.

You can communicate your wants and needs respectfully by:

• Using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, say “I feel hurt when you ignore me” instead of “You are so rude and selfish”.
• Focusing on the behavior instead of the person. For example, say “I don’t like it when you leave the dishes in the sink” instead of “You are so lazy and messy”.
• Being specific instead of vague. For example, say “I would like you to help me with the laundry on Saturdays” instead of “You never help me around the house”.
• Giving positive feedback instead of negative feedback. For example, say “I appreciate it when you cook dinner for us” instead of “You never do anything right”.
• Using respectful language instead of abusive language. For example, avoid name-calling, swearing, yelling, or sarcasm.

Speaking clearly and respectfully can help your spouse understand what you want and how you feel.

It can also help you avoid hurting their feelings or triggering their defensiveness.

4. Seek solutions instead of arguments.

The fourth step to effective marriage communication is seeking solutions instead of arguments with your spouse.

This means focusing on finding common ground and resolving issues together, rather than trying to win or prove yourself right.

And it can be as simple as finding a genuine career/marriage balance so that you can spend quality time and keep growing as a couple.

It’s easy for us to take something our spouse says as a personal attack against us, but that’s not what’s happening.

For many of us, the way we show our love and communicate in a relationship might be different from how our partner does. It might feel like we are speaking different love languages.

We will all have issues come up and we have to recognize that if our spouse comes to us with an issue, that’s them trying to work through it so we can grow better.

You can seek solutions instead of arguments by:

• Acknowledging that you have different opinions or preferences, and that’s OK.
• Looking for areas where you agree or share similar values or goals.
• Exploring different options or alternatives that can work for both of you.
• Compromising or making concessions when necessary.
• Being flexible and open-minded.
• Apologizing when you make a mistake or hurt your spouse.
• Forgiving when your spouse makes a mistake or hurts you.

Seeking solutions instead of arguments can help you overcome conflicts and strengthen your bond with your spouse.

It can also help you avoid resentment and bitterness that can damage your relationship.

5. Seek professional help if needed.

The final step to effective communication is seeking professional help if it’s needed.

Sometimes, communication problems in marriage can be too complex or deep-rooted to be solved by yourselves.

We’re not all trained psych professionals or therapists and sometimes finding a solution requires an outside objective view.

According to Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute, married couples wait an average of 6 years of unhappiness before seeking professional help.

You may need the guidance and support of a trained therapist who can help you identify and address the underlying issues and teach you new skills and strategies to communicate better. 

According to a 2014 study couples who received communication skills training reported higher levels of marital satisfaction, intimacy, and trust, and lower levels of conflict, anger, and depression.

Seeking professional help can be a sign of courage and commitment to your marriage. It can also help you prevent further deterioration or divorce.

Boost your marriage communication and grow your marriage stronger

Communication is the key to a successful marriage.

By following these tips and strategies, you can communicate effectively with your spouse, and build up the love and respect in your relationship.

Remember that communication is a skill that can be learned and practiced.

It may take time and effort, but it is worth it.

Communication can help you create a marriage that is based on love, respect, and understanding.

David N. Brace

David N. Brace is a relationship expert that lives what he preaches having built a 20-year happy marriage. Relationships take work and effort but if we are willing to do so and to keep growing as individuals, we can build something amazing that lasts a lifetime.

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