How to Handle Conflicts and Disagreements in Your Marriage in a Healthy Way

Marriage is a beautiful and rewarding relationship, but it is not always easy or smooth.

Every couple faces conflicts and disagreements at some point in their journey, whether it is about money, parenting, sex, household chores, or other issues.

Conflicts and disagreements are inevitable and normal in any relationship, but they can also cause stress, frustration, resentment, or even damage to the marital bond if not handled properly. 

Research has shown that the stress from outside our marriage can indeed spillover into real conflict within our relationship.

So, it is important to learn how to handle conflicts and disagreements in your marriage in a healthy and constructive way.

This can help you and your spouse communicate better, understand each other’s perspectives, resolve your issues, and strengthen your relationship.

In this article, we will share some tips and strategies on how to handle conflicts and disagreements in your marriage, based on the latest scientific evidence and best practices from experts in the field.

By the end of this article, you will have a better understanding of how to handle conflicts and disagreements in your marriage, and how to use them as opportunities for growth and improvement.

How to Distinguish Between Conflicts and Disagreements 

The first step to handle conflicts and disagreements in your marriage is to distinguish between them.

Conflicts and disagreements are not the same thing, although they are often used interchangeably.

They have different characteristics, causes, and effects on your relationship. 

A disagreement is a difference of opinion or preference between you and your spouse about something specific. For example, you may disagree on what movie to watch, how to discipline your child, when to have sex, where to get the car serviced, etc.

A disagreement is not necessarily a problem or a threat to your relationship.

It is normal and natural for two people to have different views or tastes on various matters, and they can be resolved by talking to each other, negotiating a resolution, making an accommodation, or agreeing to disagree. 

A conflict is a personal or emotional reaction to a disagreement or a perceived threat or attack from your spouse. For example, you may feel angry, hurt, scared, or offended by what your spouse said or did during a disagreement.

A conflict is not about the issue itself, but about how you feel about it.

A conflict can be harmful or destructive to your relationship if it leads to yelling, name-calling, swearing, blaming, criticizing, withdrawing, but they can also be resolved by calming down, reflecting on your feelings, expressing them respectfully, and listening empathically.

This way, instead of the conflict becoming a point of division in your relationship, you work together finding a solution that meets both of your needs. 

In fact, research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that destructive conflict behaviors were a predictor of marital stability.

The key difference between a conflict and a disagreement is that in a disagreement you are talking to each other; while in a conflict you are talking at each other.

In a disagreement you are negotiating, while in a conflict you are reacting.

Related: Trust Respect Love: the foundation of a happy relationship

How to Communicate Effectively with Your Spouse During a Conflict or Disagreement 

Communication is the essential key for handling conflicts and disagreements in your marriage.

It can help you and your spouse express your thoughts and feelings, understand each other’s perspectives and resolve your issues. Better communication can also help build up the support between you.

That’s all great but communication can be challenging for couples who have different communication styles, preferences, or expectations.

For example, one spouse may be an introvert while the other is an extrovert, or you may even be speaking entirely different love languages, and couples that at least perceive that they communicate openly actually do resolve conflicts in a faster and healthier way.

There are going to be barriers to your communication, but if you can work to recognize them and try to find the commonality which is your marriage, you can work through them.

Some of the quickest and easiest ways to break through marriage communication barriers are:

• Use active listening skills when communicating with your spouse. This means paying attention to what they are saying without interrupting or judging them, reflecting back what you heard them say, and summarizing the main points or agreements. Studies have found that how we listen and engage can drastically affect the entirety of our marriage communication.

• Use “I” statements when expressing your thoughts or feelings rather than blaming or accusing your spouse. For example, say “I feel hurt when you don’t listen to me” rather than “You never listen to me”. I statements work so well to build relationship communication because they allow us to get across our feelings without putting blame on our partner.

• Use positive feedback when giving or receiving criticism or suggestions. For example, say “I appreciate your effort to cook dinner, but I would prefer if you could use less salt” rather than “Your food is too salty and unhealthy”. 

• Use compromise when making decisions or resolving conflicts ordisagreements. This means finding a solution that meets both of your needs and preferences, or at least minimizes the costs and maximizes the benefits for both of you. For example, if one of you wants to watch a comedy and the other wants to watch a thriller, you could agree to watch one genre tonight and the other genre tomorrow, or find a movie that combines both genres. 

• Use appreciation and affirmation when expressing gratitude or praise to your spouse. This means recognizing and acknowledging their contributions, efforts, achievements, or qualities, and showing them how much you value and love them. For example, say “Thank you for taking care of the kids today, you are such a great parent” rather than “It’s about time you did something around here”. Appreciation is also a great way to rekindle intimacy after a disagreement.

By communicating effectively with your spouse during a conflict or disagreement, you can enhance your mutual understanding, respect, trust, and support, and create a stronger and happier relationship. 

How to Manage Your Emotions and Cope with Stress During marriage disagreement 

Emotions and stress are inevitable and normal parts of any conflict or disagreement in your marriage.

But when our emotions start to run too hot or we start allowing the stress of the situation to overwhelm us, our tempers can flare. And that’s when we go from being in a disagreement to having a conflict.

So, it is important to manage your emotions and cope with stress proactively during a disagreement and it’s especially important if you’ve already crossed that line into the conflict zone.

This can help you calm down, think clearly, act rationally, and communicate respectfully with your spouse.

A few easy ways to be proactive against the stress of disagreements are the same as any kind of life stress management:

• Use a relaxation or mindfulness strategy to calm your body and mind and reduce the negative effects of stress. Different relaxation techniques include things like breathwork, meditation, and other mindfulness strategies like journaling.
• Use a cognitive or behavioral strategy to change your thoughts and actions that contribute to stress. These are things like when you sit down and actively set out a list of goals, or act assertively and preemptively to take down an issue before it grows.
• Use a social or emotional strategy to express and cope with your feelings and seek support from others. This might be as simple as venting to someone you trust, journaling, counseling, therapy, coaching, mentoring, or even peer support groups. 
• Use a lifestyle or wellness strategy to improve your physical and mental health and well-being. This can include eating a balanced diet, exercising regularly, sleeping well, avoiding alcohol and drugs, engaging in hobbies or leisure activities. 

By managing your emotions and coping with stress effectively and proactively during a conflict or disagreement, you can prevent irrational or impulsive reactions that lead to even deeper relationship problems. 

How to Find a Solution or Compromise that Works for Both of You 

Finding a solution or compromise that works for both of you is the ultimate goal of handling conflicts and disagreements in your marriage but it’s going to take both you and your partner opening up and communicating with empathy and understanding.

A solution or compromise is a mutually acceptable outcome that resolves the issue at hand while satisfying both of your needs and preferences.

Coming to a genuinely mutual solution can bring real benefits to your marriage like bonding you closer together and even giving an increase in your intimacy. 

But, finding a compromise that works for both of you can be challenging for anyone, especially if your disagreement is based on something like your values or core beliefs around things like parenting or marital finances.

To overcome these potential obstacles and find a solution or compromise that works for both of you, try to: 

• Identify the underlying needs and preferences behind your positions. A position is what you want or demand; while a need or preference is why you want it. Your position may be that you want to buy a new car, while your need or preference may be that you want to have more comfort, convenience, safety. Identifying the underlying needs and preferences behind your positions can help you understand yourself and your spouse better and open up more possibilities for solutions or compromises. 

• Generate multiple options for solutions or compromises that meet both of your needs and preferences. A solution or compromise is not is not a single or fixed answer, but a range or spectrum of possible answers that vary in their degree of satisfaction or sacrifice for both of you. Generating multiple options for solutions or compromises can help you expand your perspective, stimulate your creativity, and increase your chances of finding a win-win outcome.

For example, if you want to buy a new car and your spouse wants to save money, some possible options are: 

• Buy a new car that is within your budget and meets your needs and preferences 
• Buy a used car that is cheaper and still in good condition 
• Lease a new car that is more affordable and flexible 
• Delay buying a new car until you have saved enough money or have a better income 
• Keep your current car and maintain it well 
• Use public transportation or carpooling instead of buying a new car 

So, what do you do? It’s simple, take a few moments to evaluate the pros and cons of each option for solutions or compromises based on both of your needs and preferences.

Evaluating the pros and cons of each option can help you weigh the benefits and costs, the advantages and disadvantages, and the risks and rewards of each option for both of you.

Keeping with the car example, if you want to buy a new car and your spouse wants to save money, some possible pros and cons of each option are: 

Option	Pros	Cons
Buy a new car that is within your budget and meets your needs and preferences	– You get to enjoy the comfort, convenience, safety, status, etc. of a new car. You avoid the hassle, expense, or uncertainty of buying a used car. You have more control and ownership over your car.	– You spend a large amount of money that could be used for other purposes. You incur additional costs such as insurance, taxes, maintenance, etc. You may have to compromise on some features or specifications of your car.
Buy a used car that is cheaper and still in good condition	– You save money that could be used for other purposes. You reduce the environmental impact of buying a new car. You may find a good deal or bargain on a used car.	– You may not get the comfort, convenience, safety, status, etc. of a new car. You may encounter problems or defects with the used car. You may have less control or ownership over your car.
Lease a new car that is more affordable and flexible	– You pay less money upfront and have lower monthly payments. You get to drive a new car every few years. You have more options and choices for your car.	– You do not own the car and have to return it at the end of the lease. You have to follow the terms and conditions of the lease contract. You may have to pay extra fees or charges for mileage, damage, etc.
Delay buying a new car until you have saved enough money or have a better income	– You avoid debt or interest payments. You have more time to research and compare different cars. You may get a better deal or discount on a new car in the future.	– You miss out on the comfort, convenience, safety, status, etc. of a new car now. You have to deal with the problems or limitations of your current car. You may face inflation or price increases on cars in the future.
Keep your current car and maintain it well	– You save money that could be used for other purposes. You reduce the environmental impact of buying a new car. You have more familiarity and attachment with your current car.	– You do not get to enjoy the comfort, convenience, safety, status, etc. of a new car. You have to spend money on repairs or maintenance. Your current car may become obsolete or unreliable.

Choose the best option for solutions or compromises that works for both of you based on your evaluation.

Just remember, you’re making a compromise, there is no perfect option that will satisfy all of your needs and preferences without any costs or sacrifices.

Choosing the best option means choosing the most acceptable option that will meet most of your needs and preferences with minimal costs or sacrifices.

By finding a solution or compromise that works for both of you, you can resolve your conflict or disagreement and enhance your cooperation, collaboration, creativity, flexibility, respect, trust, etc. 

Related: Secrets to a happy and successful marriage according to the research

How to Prevent or Reduce Future Conflicts or Disagreements 

Preventing or reducing future disagreements from becoming real conflicts is the ultimate goal for resolution in your marriage.

If you can learn to prevent future conflicts from spiraling out of control it can help you and your spouse avoid unnecessary frustration, resentment, and damage to your relationship.

It can also help you and your spouse enjoy more happiness, and satisfaction in your relationship. 

Just remember that preventing conflicts doesn’t mean disagreements aren’t going to happen, it means that you and your spouse will actively work towards having fewer and those will be smaller because you have learned to communicate and resolve them better and faster.

There are 4 major factors that can help you prevent disagreements from spiraling into conflicts in the future: 

Identify and address the root causes of your conflicts or disagreements.

The root causes of your conflicts or disagreements are the underlying factors that trigger or fuel them.

These can be things related to your personal characteristics, such as your values, beliefs and goals, to your relationship dynamics, such as your communication styles and expectations, or even to external circumstances like work or health.

But regardless, if you can identify the root for a specific disagreement, half the fight is already over because you can both recognize the source is not your partner.

One study actually found that the way we set up our relationship communication styles in the first 5 years of a relationship can act as a source for conflict or conflict resolution.

Learn from your past conflicts or disagreements.

The past conflicts or disagreements that you have had with your spouse are valuable sources of information and feedback.

This is how we grow stronger as a couple. You are going to disagree, but learning why and how to overcome those disagreements builds the trust respect and love in your marriage.

And this is as simple as recognizing what worked and didn’t work in the past.

What kinds of things made the situation worse? And what kinds of things helped you 2 come together as a team? 

Related: 30-days to a better marriage: building a positive communication climate

Establish and follow some ground rules for handling disagreements in your marriage.

This is something my wife and I do and even push our children to take on.

You’re going to have disagreements, that’s natural, but laying out rules for yourself to follow so it doesn’t become a conflict can be what keeps us both from letting our emotions go.

The whole point is that ground rules to a disagreement in your marriage lay out a path to keep moving towards resolution.

So just lay them out with your partner. Say “honey I think the next time we are in a disagreement we should have some rules so we don’t lose our tempers and can get through it better.”

And, if your talking with your husband trust me, he’ll appreciate you wanting to make sure things don’t go overboard the next time they mess up.

And some easy rules to get you started are:

• Agree on a time and place to talk about the issue 
• Use active listening skills 
• Use “I” statements 
• Use positive and constructive feedback 
• Use compromise and negotiation skills 
• Use appreciation and affirmation skills 
• Take a time-out if needed 
• Agree to disagree if necessary 
• Apologize and forgive if appropriate 

Seek professional help if needed.

Sometimes, you and your spouse may not be able to handle conflicts or disagreements on your own.

It happens, the real world can throw things at us that are just too much to be able to see around from within our marriage.

And that’s when we need someone outside of our relationship who can look at things objectively and give us some real help.

Seeking help isn’t a sign of a failing marriage, you wouldn’t forgo seeing a doctor when you broke your leg because you don’t want to appear to have bad health would you?

You shouldn’t wait and let your conflicts become real problems that begin to harm your marriage, in fact the Gottman Institute research found that couples wait an average of 6 years after becoming unhappy before they seek professional help.

It’s the same with couples’ counselors and therapists. They are specialists who are trained to help couples break through barriers and resolve problems and the research backs up just how good seeing a professional can be.

And one of the biggest parts of seeing a professional is that they teach you the skills to resolve things without their help in the future.

And when you start learning how to do that, is when conflict becomes a thing of the past and a more peaceful marriage a thing in your future.

Conclusion 

The next time you marriage comes up against a disagreement, use the tips above to keep it from becoming a conflict.

And if you have conflicts that need to be resolved, don’t sweep them under the carpet, do the hard work to come to a compromise that works for both of you so that your marriage will come out of it healthier and stronger than before.

Go hug and kiss your partner, tell them how much they mean to you and that a disagreement can’t break the love you share, and then work through those disagreements.