How to Improve Your Marriage Communication in 30 Days: A Simple and Effective Plan for Couples 

Communication is one of the most important aspects of a healthy and satisfying marriage. However, many couples struggle with expressing their thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires to each other in a clear, respectful way.

This can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, resentment, and emotional distance. 

Fortunately, communication skills can be learned and improved with practice and guidance.

In this article, we will share with you a simple and effective plan for couples who want to improve their marriage communication in 30 days. This plan is based on the principles of behavioral couples therapy (BCT), which is a research-based approach that has been shown to enhance relationship satisfaction, intimacy, and trust. 

The plan consists of three parts, each lasting 10 days.

In each part, you will learn and practice some essential communication skills that will help you and your partner communicate better, understand each other better, and resolve conflicts better. By the end of the 30 days, you will have developed a stronger and healthier communication habit that will benefit your marriage in the long term. 

Part 1: Days 1-10 

The first part of the plan focuses on building a positive communication climate in your marriage. A positive communication climate is one where you and your partner feel comfortable, safe, and valued when you communicate with each other.

The way we communicate and how openly and honestly we talk with our spouse drastically effects our marriage satisfaction.

A positive communication climate fosters mutual respect, appreciation, and support of each other throughout the different aspects of your marriage.

This is something that’s especially important for us guys to recognize. It’s easy for us to keep everything inside or shut down when there is an issue. But by opening your communication it helps those issues get fixed faster and those emotions to be understood by your partner.

The key here is to be truly honest with your partner when expressing these positive things so that it builds the honesty and trust between you.

To create a positive communication climate, you will need to practice the following skills: 

Listening actively:

Whenever you are talking from here on, I want you to listen actively to your partner. Active listening in your marriage means paying full attention to what your partner is saying, without interrupting, judging, or giving advice and reflecting back what you’ve heard. This is a huge communication skill that really helps to show your interest in your partner while driving deeper conversation. Active listening can help you and your partner understand each other better and build trust.

Part 2: Days 11-20 

The second part of the plan focuses on improving your communication style in your marriage. Your communication style is the way you express yourself verbally and nonverbally and we each have our own unique ways.

Your communication styles can have a significant impact on how your partner perceives and responds to you. 

If your first communication instinct during an issue is to get aggressive or shout, that shuts down your partner. But if you can turn that into asking how to fix it or taking leadership and ownership of the issue it pushes you both towards resolution.

Now remember, just because we are adding some new things into the mix, we don’t stop the first set of things we have done to build an positive communication climate.

To improve your communication style over the next 10 days, I want you to practice the following skills: 

Using “I” statements:

Each time you and your spouse are talking, practice using “I” statements. “I” statements are statements that start with “I” and describe how you feel or what you need or want in a situation. Think of things like “I think, I want, I think, I need.” Using “I” statements can help you avoid blaming, criticizing, or attacking your partner by expressing what you’re actually feeling in a situation. They also help us reframe issues so that we don’t get into the blame game with each other.

Avoiding negative communication patterns:

During this next time, we are going to stop using negative communication patterns that can damage your relationship. Negative communication patterns are ways of communicating that are harmful or ineffective because they inhibit communication or build blame and resentment.

So, some of the negative communication patterns we are going to stop using are:

Stonewalling:

• This is when you shut down or withdraw from communication with your partner. While you may feel justified or just overwhelmed from the talk, shutting down impacts your partner because it makes them feel ignored, disengaged and distant. So, starting today you are going to be open and engaged when you communicate with your partner. Simply go back to the “I” statements and active listening.

Defensiveness:

• How many times have you brought up something to your spouse only to be met with criticism, excuses or attacks? Or better yet, how often have you fallen into that with your partner? Defensiveness can make your partner feel invalidated, misunderstood, or even blamed. Being accountable and respectful to your partner opens the doors to more communication while defensiveness shuts them.

Contempt:

• Sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, eye-rolls and insults are more than just bad communication. They are showing contempt to your partner which destroys the intimacy and closeness between you. Contempt can make your partner feel hurt, angry, or worthless. So over the next 10 days, think about how you can show your respect to your partner and appreciation for the things they do.

Criticism:

• Constructive criticism is a good thing right? Afterall, it’s us trying to better our spouse by letting them know what they do wrong. But in reality criticism is an attack against your partner’s personality rather than any behaviors or actions. It’s using generalizations like “You always do this,” or accusations like “You do that on purpose,” to attack your partner instead of communicating how their actions have made you feel. Instead, forget about constructive criticism, and start thinking of constructive feedback. This is utilizing some of these other skills we’ve discussed to change the attacks into statements of how you feel. 

Part 3: Days 21-30 

For the final 10 days we are going to focus on enhancing your communication skills in conflict situations that arise in marriage. Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, no couple is going to see eye-to-eye on every single detail, and they shouldn’t because how stifling would that be to their growth?

But conflicts are almost always opportunities for growth and understanding as well. The way you communicate during a disagreement or conflict can bring you closer together and make your marriage stronger, or it can escalate the situation into something that actually damages your relationship. 

And during this last part, there are only 3 new things we are going to focus on, but they are critical to taking all of the skill we’ve learned already and using them to transform our overall communication patterns for our marriage.

To enhance your communication skills in conflict situations, I want you to practice the following skills: 

Choosing the right time and place:

Choosing the right time and place to talk is key in setting up the conversation. Think if you tried to talk about something serious that needs fixing in a restaurant or tried celebrating something special with a night in.

So, from now on when you want to discuss something with your spouse, take a moment and think about what the best time and place would be. This is going to help you both avoid distractions and to really get deeper into the conversation by being in a place that keeps you both calm and minimizes the stress.

Using the speaker-listener technique:

Now I’m going to introduce you to another awesome skill that will help open your communication. The speaker-listener technique is a structured way of communicating that involves taking turns to speak and listen. It’s essentially taking a conscious decision to let your partner fully express their ideas or thoughts before you try to chime in or even really analyze them. And you can make this a hard-set thing by stating, “ok honey you are in the speaker role and I will listen.”

This is like setting rules in place for the talk that keep it moving in a good direction. The speaker talks in a clear way to get across their feelings using things from earlier like “I” statements and avoiding negative patterns like criticism. And the listener uses active listening and avoiding negative things like getting defensive or stonewalling. Then switch and go back and forth until you both feel understood and heard.

Finding solutions together:

Just find solutions together, that’s a little easier said than done right? But in reality, it’s just recognizing that from here on out, every day, we are going to focus on solutions to issues rather than blame, criticism, trying to get away with something or defend ourselves.

Finding solutions together means seeing your talks as like brainstorming sessions for possible options that can address both of your needs and preferences. It also means evaluating the pros and cons of each option and choosing one that works best for both of you not just one or the other. By working together to find solutions to your issues, you can build a marriage where an issue is no longer a point of contention but a moment to lift each other up to new heights.

Conclusion 

Communication is a vital skill that can make or break your marriage.

By following this simple and effective plan for 30 days, you can improve your communication skills and enhance your relationship satisfaction.

Just remember, our marriage is a relationship of communication. How we talk to and with our partner is everything and touches on every single aspect of our relationship from how we feel about our partner to how we feel about our future.

Keep communicating with your partner in a positive, respectful, and constructive way, and you will reap the rewards of a happier and healthier marriage. 

David N. Brace

David N. Brace is a relationship expert that lives what he preaches having built a 20-year happy marriage. Relationships take work and effort but if we are willing to do so and to keep growing as individuals, we can build something amazing that lasts a lifetime.

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