How to Increase Your Sexual Compatibility with Your Spouse: Communicate Your Desires, Fantasies, and Boundaries 

Sexual compatibility is a key factor in a happy and fulfilling marriage.

It means that you and your spouse share similar sexual needs, preferences, and expectations, and that you are able to satisfy each other physically, emotionally, and mentally.

However, sexual compatibility is not something that is fixed or static; it can change over time as you and your spouse grow and evolve as individuals and as a couple.

So, it is important to communicate your desires, fantasies, and boundaries with your spouse regularly and effectively, so that you can maintain or enhance your sexual compatibility and overcome any barriers in the way of our intimacy. 

Communication is the foundation of a happy married sex life

Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, especially when it comes to sex.

We tend to fixate on the physical aspects of being intimate with our partner, not realizing that a healthy sex life is the symptom of a happy and healthy marriage.

And your partner wants to communicate with you about your sex lives and desires and research has shown that communication is what the rest of your relationship satisfaction is built on.

They’re human, they have sexual fantasies, wants and wild things to try and want to know about yours.

Think back to a time when your partner was talking about what turned them on.

I’m going to guess it turned you on as well? That’s because we want to be intimate with our partner and hearing about what gets them going gets us going.

So don’t be afraid, open up and let your partner know about your dirty fantasies or that thing they do that drives you wild.

Better sexual communication can help you and your spouse to: 

• Express your sexual needs and desires clearly and respectfully 
• Explore your sexual fantasies and preferences safely and creatively 
• Negotiate your sexual boundaries and limits comfortably and confidently 
• Resolve any sexual conflicts or issues constructively and compassionately 
• Learn from each other’s feedback and suggestions positively and productively 
• Enhance your sexual pleasure and satisfaction mutually and consistently 

However, communication can also be challenging, especially when it comes to sex.

Many people feel shy, embarrassed, or anxious about talking about sex with their spouse, or they may have difficulty finding the right words, tone, or timing to initiate or sustain a conversation.

Some common barriers to sexual communication are: 

• Lack of knowledge or confidence about sex 
• Fear of rejection, judgment, or criticism 
• Shame or guilt about sexual feelings or experiences 
• Cultural or religious taboos or norms 
• Past trauma or abuse related to sex 
• Low self-esteem or body image issues 
• Stress or fatigue affecting sexual mood or performance 
• Medical or psychological problems affecting sexual function or desire 

If you face any of these barriers, do not despair.

All’s not lost just because there is some hiccup in the way of your awesome sex life.

There’s not a single sexual problem or communication barrier that can’t be worked through in some way for a couple. It just takes understanding, empathy and the desire to grow your intimacy deeper.

Breaking through the sexual communication barriers in your marriage

There isn’t a communication barrier in a marriage that can’t be broken through with a little effort, patience, empathy and listening.

But studies have shown when it comes to sexual compatibility and intimacy, communication can act like a filter, magnifying glass and mirror for our marriage.

What if you share some genuine fantasy and your partner is disgusted or thinks you’re a pervert? Don’t worry about it.

I say that because just think for a moment to when your partner was telling you about how turned on you got them.

Did it make you feel like they were disgusting, or did it make you feel turned on knowing that they were lusting after you?

It feels good to be lusted after by someone we love. It lets us know we are truly wanted and desired and your partner wants to hear about your desires with them.

Here are some tips on how to communicate your desires, fantasies, and boundaries with your spouse effectively: 

Related: Learn the 5 habits of highly intimate married couples today

1. Choose a suitable time and place to talk.

Avoid talking about sex when you are angry, tired, distracted, or in the middle of an argument.

Instead, studies show that if you find a time when you are both relaxed, calm, and in a good mood, your talk will be better received by both of you.

You can also create a romantic atmosphere by lighting some candles, playing some music, or giving each other a massage.

Choose a place where you have privacy and comfort, such as your bedroom or living room.

Make sure to turn off or silence any devices or interruptions that might distract you from the conversation. 

2. Start with positive statements and compliments.

Before you dive into the details of your sexual desires, fantasies, or boundaries, start by expressing your appreciation and admiration for your spouse.

The key to effective and respectful marriage communication is to come into the talk from a positive stance.

Tell them what you love about them, what attracts you to them, what turns you on about them.

Give them specific examples of what they do well in bed, what makes you happy or satisfied sexually.

This will help to boost their confidence and make them more receptive to your feedback. 

3. Use “I” statements and avoid blaming or criticizing.

When you talk about your sexual needs, preferences, or expectations, use “I” statements that focus on your own feelings and experiences rather than on your spouse’s actions or behaviors. These can actually help to resolve disagreements in a marriage as well as increase your overall intimacy.

For example, instead of saying “You never initiate sex”, say “I feel lonely when I have to initiate sex all the time”.

This will help to prevent defensiveness or resentment from your spouse. Also avoid blaming or criticizing your spouse for their sexual performance or desire.

For example, instead of saying “You are boring in bed”, say “I would like to try something new in bed”.

This will help to foster cooperation and curiosity from your spouse. 

A 2018 research study found that using “I” statements was the single greatest strategy for minimizing anger and frustration.

4. Be honest and respectful about your desires and fantasies.

Do not be afraid to share your sexual desires and fantasies with your spouse honestly and respectfully.

You may be surprised to find out that they share some of them too, or that they are willing to try them with you.

However, do not pressure or coerce your spouse into doing something they are not comfortable with.

Respect their right to say no or to suggest alternatives.

Also be mindful of the potential impact of your desires and fantasies on your spouse’s feelings or self-esteem.

For example, if you want to watch porn together or have a threesome, make sure that your spouse does not feel threatened or insecure by these fantasies. 

5. Be clear and firm about your boundaries and limits.

Do not hesitate to communicate your boundaries and limits with your spouse clearly and firmly.

In fact, according to researchers at Harvard, setting boundaries in a marriage is one key step in building a healthy relationship.

You have the right to decide what you are willing or unwilling to do sexually with your spouse at any given time.

Your boundaries and limits may depend on various factors such as your mood, health, safety, comfort level etc.

Make sure that your spouse understands and respects your boundaries and limits without questioning or violating them.

Also be open to revising your boundaries and limits over time as you gain more trust and experience with your spouse. 

Related: The 30-day plan to a better marriage through making a positive communication climate

6. Listen actively and empathetically to your spouse.

Communication is a two-way street, so you also need to listen actively and empathetically to your spouse when they talk about their sexual desires, fantasies, and boundaries.

Active listening means paying attention to what your spouse is saying, making eye contact, nodding, asking questions, paraphrasing, reflecting, and giving feedback.

Empathetic listening means putting yourself in your spouse’s shoes, trying to understand their feelings and perspectives, and expressing your support and compassion.

Listening actively and empathetically will help you to learn more about your spouse’s sexual needs, preferences, and expectations, and to show them that you care about their sexual happiness and satisfaction. 

7. Seek professional help if needed.

Sometimes, communication alone may not be enough to resolve or improve your sexual compatibility with your spouse.

You may need professional help from a sex therapist, counselor, or educator who can provide you with more information, guidance, or intervention on various aspects of your sexual relationship.

Professional help can be especially helpful if you or your spouse have any medical or psychological issues that affect your sexual function or desire, such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, low libido, vaginismus, depression, anxiety etc.

Sexual dysfunction may seem like something to be embarrassed about, but what’s really embarrassing is not getting a simple issue fixed and having an amazing love life with your spouse.

Professional help can also be helpful if you or your spouse have any trauma or abuse related to sex that affects your sexual trust or intimacy. 

Share your desires and fantasies and grow your intimacy

By following these tips, you can increase your sexual compatibility with your spouse by communicating your desires, fantasies, and boundaries effectively. Communication can help you and your spouse to enhance your sexual intimacy and pleasure, as well as your overall relationship satisfaction and quality.