7 simple and science backed steps to a more satisfying and happy marriage.

Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment where we give ourselves to our spouse completely and feel satisfied, happy and in love forever right?

There was a study back in 2014 titled Happy Marriage Happy Life? that looked at how deeply our marriage satisfaction affects us, and they found exactly what you would expect.

It was one of those huge “well duh” moments in psychology. Our marriage is likely the greatest factor in how satisfied we are with our life.

But in reality, nearly half of all marriages end in divorce and many that stick it out aren’t happy. So how do we build the kind of marriage that keeps us in love and wanting to build more with our partner?

Below I’ve put together 7 simple steps based around real research and in-depth studies into just what makes a satisfying marriage and, in each step, I include 3 things you can do today.

1. Communicate your needs and expectations.

One of the key factors for marital satisfaction is communication.

Effective communication helps you to express your feelings, needs, and expectations to your partner in a clear and respectful way and also helps you to understand and respect your partner’s feelings, needs, and expectations.

A study published in the Journal of marriage and the family found that couples who communicated more frequently and effectively reported higher marital satisfaction. And other studies have found the same results, better communication leads to better marriages.

We all have our own understanding and expectations and by having more open communication you can avoid misunderstandings that become conflicts and resentments that kill our love.

Communication also helps you to negotiate and compromise when your needs or expectations differ from your partner’s.

2. Pursue your own hobbies and join your partner’s.

Another important factor for marital satisfaction is our personal interests.

Pursuing your own interests and hobbies means engaging in activities that you enjoy and that make you happy, whether they are related to your work, education, leisure, or personal development.

Pew Research found that 64% of people said having shared interests was important to a happy marriage. 

It’s an easy way to maintain your sense of identity, autonomy, and self-esteem and they can even help you to expand your knowledge and skills.

But remember, pursuing your own interests and hobbies does not mean neglecting or competing with your partner. It means enriching yourself and your relationship by sharing your passions and achievements with your partner.

3. Spend quality time together.

Intimacy is like one part symptom of the quality of our marriage and one part fuel for driving our marriage to deeper levels and the best way to increase the intimacy between you and your spouse is to spend quality time together.

Spending quality time together helps you to strengthen your bond, intimacy, and affection with your partner by building up the experiential foundations of your relationship and even helps us avoid marital conflict.

Think back to when you were first dating and the feelings of excitement, anticipation and the way your heart felt that came with every new date. That’s what the psychological community call first firsts, and they help bring us closer and build the attraction and intimacy between us.

Spending quality time isn’t just being around each other though. It’s actively doing something together for just the 2 of you, and it doesn’t really matter what. What matters is the energy and engagement you give to each other.

Another study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships looked at both long distance couples and those near each other and found that it was the quality of the time spent together, not the amount, that made the satisfaction in their relationship.

4. Respect each other’s space and privacy.

Respect for our individuality and privacy in more than just another key ingredient in making a satisfying marriage. It’s like showing our trust to our partner and inviting them to put their trust into us as well.

Respecting each other’s space and privacy means acknowledging and honoring the boundaries of your partner’s need for independence and autonomy.

It also means trusting and being trustworthy with your partner’s personal information, belongings, or decisions. I most often see this done when one partner is venting to their friends or loved ones but in reality, it’s complaining and putting down our partner and in a sense, putting down our relationship.

Respecting each other’s space and privacy helps you to avoid making your partner feel suffocated or not trusted and helps you respect their individuality. It also helps you to protect your own individuality from being suffocated, controlled, or invaded by your partner.

We have to be careful though because respecting each other’s space and privacy does not mean distancing yourself from or hiding things from your partner. It means finding a balance between closeness and distance, as well as between transparency and discretion. 

Research done in 2020 showed that simple things like snooping on your partner’s phone can have dire impacts on a relationship including damaging intimacy, trust obviously, and even promote relationship instability. 

5. Celebrate each other’s differences.

One of the most important factors in building a satisfying marriage is appreciating each other and the differences that you each bring to the relationship.

Celebrating each other’s differences means valuing and admiring the unique traits, qualities, or perspectives that your partner brings to the relationship. 

It also means accepting and embracing the diversity of opinions, preferences, or styles that may exist between you and your partner. 

Celebrating each other’s differences helps you to avoid criticizing, judging, or changing your partner’s individuality. It also helps you to learn from, compliment, or challenge each other’s individuality. 

When we celebrate our differences, it doesn’t mean we are negating or putting down those things we have in common. Instead, think of it as a way of lifting each other up for our own unique strengths, and supporting our partner’s goals and dreams.

Celebrating your differences builds a more satisfying marriage because it helps to avoid and diminish any disagreements or conflicts.

There’s been numerous studies over the years showing just how strong the effects of our appreciation and admiration of our partner is for our marriage. The most recent I believe, was a 2017 study published by the American Psychological Association and found just like the rest, that our appreciation of our partner’s strengths was a huge contributing factor to our relationship satisfaction.

6. Maintain your social network to maintain a satisfying marriage.

Even though you have gotten married and are building a life together, it is vital that you maintain your own social life and support. 

It’s important to keep in touch with your friends, family, or other people who are important to you because these are the people who are going to be there to support you and help lift you up when your partner can’t or when you just need an outside perspective. 

Maintaining your social network helps you to maintain your sense of belonging and identity and helps us cope with stresses and challenges. 

Just remember, maintaining your social network does not mean prioritizing or depending on others over your partner. It means finding a balance between your partner and your social network, as well as between your own and your partner’s social network. 

A study by [Bryant et al.]  found that couples who had more social support reported higher marital satisfaction. 

7. Be flexible and adaptable.

A part of having a satisfying life overall is staying flexible and adaptable to the ever-changing world around us. And it’s just as important, maybe more so, in our marriages.

Being flexible and adaptable means being willing to change or modify your behavior, attitudes, or expectations in response to changing circumstances of life. 

Being flexible and adaptable helps you to cope with uncertainty and challenges in your marriage by helping you not feel like you’ve fallen into some sort of inescapable situation.

It also helps you to grow, learn, or improve as individuals and as a couple. 

Being flexible and adaptable does not mean compromising or sacrificing your values, beliefs, or preferences. 

It means finding a balance between stability and change, as well as between consistency and variety. 

A 2021 study looked at the marriage satisfaction in couples with higher or lower adaptive skills and found that those who had developed higher levels of adaptive skills had higher rates of satisfaction.

Never stop growing as a couple and build a satisfying marriage

These are some of the ways that you can maintain your independence and individuality in your marriage. Remember that marriage is not a sacrifice of self, but a celebration of self and other. By following these tips, you can enhance your happiness and harmony as individuals and as a couple.