How to Grow Together and Evolve with Your Spouse 

Relationships are dynamic and complex, and they change over time as we grow and develop as individuals.

Sometimes, these changes can bring challenges and conflicts, as the partners may feel like they no longer understand or recognize each other, or one partner feels like they’ve been on a growth journey while the other has stagnated.

These changes can also bring opportunities and rewards, as you can learn to support each other in your individual and collective journeys toward growth and development. 

I know if I look back at myself just 5 years ago I wasn’t the same person I am today, and 5 years before that it’s the same. We’re hopefully both on a personal growth journey in our marriage and that helps us to become a better partner and more well-rounded individual.

In this article, I’ll explore some of the reasons why changes happen in relationships, how to navigate them with your spouse, and how to grow together and evolve as a couple towards having a happy and successful marriage. 

Why Changes Happen in Relationships 

Life is change. The future is never truly certain and as we age our experiences and how we process them change and shape the person we become. Building a life together requires dealing with change but that can make our marriage even more satisfying.

You shouldn’t want your partner to be the same on your 10th anniversary as they were when you met. You want to grow together, to become something better together and to watch them become a better version of who they were when you fell in love with them.

Research has also shown that couples who handle challenge and change in positive ways build higher quality marriages and report overall happier and more satisfied lives.

So, what are the kinds of changes that affect our marriage and how can we take those changes in as a point of growth towards something positive?

Changes in relationships can happen for various reasons, such as: 

• Life stages: Relationships go through different stages as they progress, such as the infatuation stage, the stability stage, the commitment stage, and so on, but each stage is really just the culmination of all the little changes that have happened within our relationship up to that point. And each stage has its own characteristics, challenges, and opportunities for growth. 

• Life events: Relationships can also be affected by external or internal stressors, such as health issues, financial difficulties, career transitions, family conflicts, or personal crises. Real life happens for the better and worse, these kinds stressors can impact the relationship satisfaction, communication, intimacy, and even your general compatibility. I look back at my relationship, at the hard financial times, the health scares and more, and each one of those moments can be a point where you come together, or it can become a point of resentment. 

• Personal growth: Relationships can also change as the partners grow and develop as individuals. They may discover new aspects of themselves, such as their values, beliefs, interests, goals, dreams, or identities. Again, just look back at who you really were as a person 5 or 10 years ago compared to who you are now. If you’re reading this article, you’re on a conscious growth journey trying to better your relationships or understanding of them and I bet you are a much greater person now than you were just a few years ago. 

Changes in relationships are natural and inevitable, and they do not necessarily mean that the relationship is on some kind of negative path or that you’ve have fallen out of love.

Changes can be a sign of a healthy and mature relationship that is adaptable and resilient. 

How to Navigate Changes in Relationships 

Navigating life changes in relationships can be a challenge, but they are almost always moments that we can also use to grow a deeper bond with our spouse.

I remember when we got our 4th child literally dropped on our doorstep. We knew at the time he wasn’t going to be picked up and 3 years later with him now adopted, it was a change that added something amazing to our family and where we got to ad something amazing to a wonderful little kid.

But it’s not always the huge life change like a child, what do you do when you are just getting older and your spouse isn’t as fit, or as adventurous as they used to be?

How to navigate the changes in life with your spouse in 5 simple steps:

• Be honest with yourself and your partner: The first step to navigate changes in relationships is to acknowledge them and effectively communicate them with your partner. You can’t get through anything if you’re not willing to look at it and discuss it honestly with your spouse. Be honest about how you feel, what you need, what you want, and what you expect from your partner and the relationship. And listen to your partner’s feelings, needs, wants, and expectations as well. If you try to understand each other’s perspectives and respect each other’s differences they can be moments of understanding and growth. More open and honest communication makes a marriage happier and more satisfying.

• Continue to take an interest in one another: Even if you feel like you have changed or grown apart from your partner, try to learn more about them and their new aspects. Ask them questions about their thoughts, feelings, experiences, or goals. Share your own thoughts, feelings, experiences, or goals with them as well. The point is to show them that you care about them and that you want to stay connected with them. The Journal of Happiness Studies published research showing just how important shared interests were to building a happy marriage.

• Give yourself space to grow together and separately: The third step to navigate changes in relationships is to balance your individuality and your interdependence. Give yourself space to grow and develop as an individual, but also give your partner space to do the same. Support each other in pursuing your own interests, passions, or dreams. At the same time, try to find ways to grow and develop together as a couple like sharing common interests, or hobbies. Never stop engaging in activities that bring you closer together or that challenge you to grow as a team. 

• Rely on your community and relationship resources: The fourth step to navigate changes in relationships is to seek help from your community and relationship resources. Your community can include your friends, family members, or other supportive people in your life that you can talk to and they can have huge impacts on your life outlook. Your relationship resources can include books, articles, podcasts, videos, or other sources of information or inspiration that can help you understand or improve your relationship. Use these, videos, articles like this one, and podcasts are valuable resources where people like me put our real-world experience and expertise to work with the hopes it will help you.

• Celebrate (and grieve the loss of) who you once were—together and as a couple: The fifth step to navigate changes in relationships is to honor and appreciate who you once were together and as a couple. Celebrate the memories, the achievements, and milestones you have shared with your partner in the past. Acknowledge the sadness, the nostalgia, the regret, or the anger that you may feel about how things have changed. When we were a newlywed couple, we had a hard time with miscarriages and each one was a devastating change where we had to learn to grieve the loss of what we hoped to have and that was a very hard time. But it was also a time where I took it as a personal responsibility to pull my wife closer.

How to Grow Together and Evolve with Your Spouse 

Growing and evolving together with our spouse is the ultimate growth goal for a couple.

It can make your relationship stronger, deeper, and more fulfilling.

When you are able to look back at your partner, at who they were and who they’ve become and see that positive evolution, it gives you an entirely different way of appreciating and loving them.

It is like looking at your spouse and your relationship through the lens of your entire relationship rather than just how you are feeling recently. It’s 1 part nostalgia, 1 part missing what you had and 1 part hoping for the future all rolled into a single emotion.

Below are 5 ways you can continue to grow and evolve with your spouse:

• Set goals for the relationship and keep track of them: Goals can help you clarify what you want from your relationship, how you want to improve it, or what you want to achieve together. They can also help you measure your progress, celebrate your successes, or adjust your strategies. Some examples of relationship goals are improving your communication skills, increasing your intimacy level, resolving a conflict, exploring a new place, or learning a new skill together. 

• Communicate effectively and regularly: Communication is the key to any healthy and successful relationship and how a couple communicates can be a major predictor of their marriage satisfaction. It helps you express your feelings, needs, wants, or expectations and understand your partner’s feelings, needs and wants. Communication can also help you resolve issues, prevent misunderstandings, and build trust. There are numerous ways to improve your relationship communication such as using ‘I’ statements and simply going back to being open and honest. 

• Seek out new experiences and challenges: New experiences and challenges can help you break out of your routine, stimulate your curiosity, or spark your creativity. In the psych world these are called ‘first firsts’ and they help you create shared memories, strengthen your bond, and keep the attraction and excitement in a relationship going. They don’t have to be huge things like traveling, my wife and I recently went to try an axe throwing date night downtown and it was amazing. 

• Practice empathy and compassion: Empathy is the ability to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and understand their feelings, thoughts, or experiences. Compassion is the ability to feel for your partner and want to help them or ease their suffering. Together they can help you connect with your partner on a deeper level, appreciate their differences, or support them in their growth. In my personal opinion from my own experience both within my own marriage and those others I have known and helped, showing empathy and compassion is the foundation of avoiding marital conflict and resentment.

• Embrace a growth mindset: A growth mindset is the belief that you can change, improve, or learn from your experiences. This is what lets you see changes in yourself, your partner, or your relationship as opportunities for growth. Building a growth mindset can also help you overcome challenges, embrace feedback, or celebrate effort. And you can begin developing a growth mindset today by looking at the changes you’re facing and recognizing that each of them is a chance to better yourself and your marriage.

Growth should be a goal for every couple over their marriage

Changes in relationships are inevitable, but we don’t have to fear them or get hung up on a life change to where it become a barrier in our marriage.

And in fact every change in our lives is a point for us to grow into a better version of ourselves and build a better version of our relationship.

By following the tips above, you can navigate changes in relationships with your spouse, grow together and evolve as a couple, and enjoy a more fulfilling and satisfying marriage. 

I would love to hear from you. Let me know in the comments what kinds of life changes your marriage has had to face and how you came through it.

David N. Brace

David N. Brace is a relationship expert that lives what he preaches having built a 20-year happy marriage. Relationships take work and effort but if we are willing to do so and to keep growing as individuals, we can build something amazing that lasts a lifetime.

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